How it goes

This is just the hair that I lost in the shower this morning. I put a quarter next to it for a size reference. I don't dare touch it or style it much because it will just fall out.

I wore a hat when I went out to do some grocery shopping and when I took it off, there was a ton of hair left in the hat.

The physical sensation is strange. It reminds me of the feel that I would have after wearing a tight ponytail for a day. Or even more accurate is this: When I was a kid, I took dance classes and once a year, we had "THE SHOW." The final act was always ballet, and we had to wear our hair in these super-tight buns. I was usually too tired to take it out at night, so when I finally did the next morning it really hurt. That is how it feels on my head.

I do want to get the buzz cut soon. I was thinking maybe I could wait until after Tuesday night, because I have to take Olivier to his boy scout meeting. But then I realized-Isabelle has girl scouts the next day, and I don't really want to be buzzed for that either. I guess its never going to be a convenient time to lose my hair! I think it's better to be buzzed than to be sadly thin with scalp showing through.

Despite the tone of these recent posts, I am doing more than obsessing over my hair--honestly! I got two new cookbooks that are fantastic: "The Cancer Fighting Kitchen" and "One Bite at a Time." Both are by Rebecca Katz. It is fascinating learning about the "culinary pharmacy" that we have available to us. I've chosen some recipies to make this week in preparation for Round Two. I'm going to make a "Magical Mineral Broth" that serves as a soup stock, as well as a base for other recipes. If I get really sick, I could even sip this on its own. I went out to my favorite grocery store, Jimbos, and bought all the ingredients I needed. There were a few new items as well-like kombu, which is a Japanese sea vegetable. Anyway, I got it all home and chopped it all up. I figured I could make it today and store it for later. I realized about halfway into it that I do not have a large enough pot! I think I'll go out tomorrow morning and get a big stock pot for soups. I think planning and cooking really good and healthy food is going to be an anchor for me this fall.

I want the rest of the family to develop healthier tastes as well. My kids do eat vegetables, probably more than most. But not enough of them. I was tickled pink today at lunch. Isabelle asked me to make some pasta, knowing it would be whole wheat. I said okay, but only if I could make her a small salad to go with it. Deal! I made them each a salad with greens, tomatoes, carrots, and strawberries. Eating the rainbow! It was great.

Isabelle and I watched a movie with Miley Cyrus in it, "The Last Song." From the ads, it looked like a teenage romance movie. It was. But there was also a storyline in it about Miley's character's father ....DYING OF CANCER! Yikes. I was able to explain to Isabelle that his cancer was not like mine, and his had spread. Mine has not spread. It was an okay movie. Obviously a tearjerker, though.

My prayer requests:

• That the hair loss/buzz cut not be traumatic. It is a sign that the chemo drugs are doing what they are supposed to do. I need to keep that in mind and I clean up the hair all over the place. That I be able to find a "convenient" time to get it done and that it not be a sad experience.
• That the family be healthy. I realized last night that this is another form of spiritual warfare. Last night, everyone in the family had a physical complaint! Isabelle was so tired she threw up her dinner. Jean-Marc has hives that we are trying to diagnose the irritant. Olivier had a bad sunburn from his day out with scouts. Eric was fighting the cold Olivier had last week, and I have cancer. Is that ridiculous or what? Pray that we can overcome these physical complaints and keep our eyes on the Great Physician, our Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ.

Out of the mouths of babes

I've tried to be open with the kids about my breast cancer. Eric and I told them less than 24 hours after we found out the diagnosis. I've wanted them to talk about how they are feeling, their fears, their questions. Anything is fair game. But they haven't really said a whole lot. Sure, when we told them on June 12, there were tears. But they swallowed them pretty quickly.

Tonight during dinner, I opened the subject of my inevitable hair loss. I wanted to prepare them mentally as best I could. (Ironic, since I find myself so unprepared, despite knowing that this day was coming.)

I asked them what they were thinking. Would they freak out at me being hairless? I want them to take it seriously, but not too much so. I don't think I want any bald jokes...unless I initiate it. Kind of like the "flat" jokes about my chest. It's okay if I say it. But not so much so for others.

Anyway, I had to crack up at the two responses I got from them. This was spontaneous, right at the beginning:

Isabelle: "You are going to be all face."

Olivier: "Now we will find out if you really have eyes on the back of your head."

Gotta love it. It made me crack up for the first time over the subject!

Locks of Panic

I feel a little silly. But I'll be honest. I'm kind of freaking out.

For 2 weeks now, I've lamented about waiting for my hair to fall out. Now that it is, I'm feeling a little bit of panic about it all. I'm not ready! All it takes is a little tug, and the hair comes out in my hand. It's also coming out when I brush it. I had hair all over the counter this morning. Thank goodness I got it cut short!

I know its just a few days until I can't take it anymore and will want it buzzed. I'm not quite ready to take that step just yet. I'm not ready! I don't have a wig. I have a few scarves and hats...but I'm not ready to HAVE to use them just yet. Or am I?

Maybe it won't even be a few days. Gulp. Maybe I just need to step off that cliff. After all, I would be the one in charge of when and how it comes off. That could be empowering. It does make my heart jump every time I pull out hair. But I'll look like GI Jane. I think of all the mornings, especially as a mother of young children, when I would go out without even thinking about how my hair looked. When it was longer, I spent an entire summer with it up in a clip. Or throw on a headband. I had kids, or I was on my way to the gym. Whatever. I looked ridiculous and it didn't matter. Why am I so bothered by how it looks now?

Perhaps because it is going to signal to the world something that I do not feel inside. Will I get those pitying looks from total strangers now instead of just those who "know" what is going on? I don't want those looks from anyone! I feel strong. I feel healthy, despite the fact of cancer. I'm in the best physical shape of my life...I AM NOT SICK! But the bald head will tell the world something else. It will make it "real." Funny how being flat chested with scars a foot long aren't as traumatic.

On the other hand, I won't have to go through the internal mental questioning when I talk to someone new. Do they know? Or do they not know? It will be pretty obvious now.

Anyway, that is where I am now. I need to just process this all for a day or so. Prayers are appreciated!

Drip, drop...its starting

I mentioned some tenderness on the top of my head yesterday. Last night (exactly 2 weeks post round one) while I was watching Jean-Marc eat his dinner, I ran my fingers through the top of my head where it was and gave a slight tug and several strands came out. More than would typically. I'm pretty sure that is the beginning of the hair loss. Drip.

With my new short haircut, when I wake up in the morning it is going in all directions. I usually have to spray some water on it and brush it just to get it not to look ridiculous. I did that this morning and my head was tingly for several minutes. Drop. I've read that is another tell tale sign.

So the long awaited "milestone" is happening, albeit slowly. Strange. I can help it along by tugging it out if I want. Or I can keep the touching and tugging to a minimum and see where it comes out.

It's a mixed bag of emotions. In a way, I am relieved that it is starting. I did relatively well on the chemo round. It was almost like it didn't happen. So a little part of me was a bit anxious that I didn't get enough of the drugs, or that they weren't doing their job. This shows me that it is affecting my body. On the other hand, this will signal to the world that I have a serious medical condition. I'm going to look "sick." Really sick. But on the inside right now, I don't feel like I do. Its such a contradiction. I realize that I probably will feel worse as I progress through chemo. But I am claiming each day of feeling good by working out and doing what I can do. Who knows how the next round(s) will go? It also is going to add another layer of complexity to what I wear. To have to coordinate hats and scarves with what I'm wearing is going to be hard. I'm not good at accessorizing. Sticking in a pair of earrings is one thing, but having to consider color and print of hats and clothes. Yikes! And I don't have a wig yet.

God has really been gracious to me in all of this. He most definitely has upheld me with his strong Hand. Any comments that people make about how well I am doing...well, its not me. I'm only in the state I am because of God's grace and mercy upon me. All of the glory goes to Him, not me. If it were up to me, I'd be a quivering heap of anxiety, pity and fear. I have my moments, but that is only when I take my eyes off of the Lord. God truly is good, all of the time. He loves me, and He is sovereign.

Now the question is when do I shave it off? Or do I let it fall out little by little? At some point, its going to be necessary. At this point, it is really slow-it'll take awhile for it to look thin. I'll let this go for a few days and see how much of a pain its going to be. Maybe then I'll be ready to "take charge" and shave it.

The family is busy today. Eric has his monthly target shooting competition this morning. Olivier will be gone all day today on a Scout trip to Soak City. Isabelle had a birthday slumber party to go to last night. I get to be the mom's taxi this morning. Take Olivier to the drop-off point for Scouts, then swing back to get Isabelle from her party and take her to her riding lesson. If Jean-Marc weren't going through a separation anxiety phase, and if I weren't paranoid about him picking up germs, I'd leave him at the gym's "Kid's Club" and go to my first Zumba class in about 8 weeks. Alas, I don't think that is in the cards for me. I'll have to wait until the afternoon when he is napping and just go sweat on the stairclimber and other cardio equipment.

On the health front, neither Eric or Olivier complained about his symptoms this morning. Good sign! Perhaps they have fought off the illness?

My prayer requests today:

• That I be able to cope with the hair loss.
• That the chemo drugs that are in my body are doing their job and destroying any cancer cells that escaped through my lymph nodes. Better yet, that I not have any cancer cells in me--that the surgery got them all and that the chemo is just overkill.
• That the family be healthy and not get sick, even a cold could derail my chemo schedule. I would like to have the schedule stay as it is and be done in early December.
• That the timing of my brother coming home from Iraq will work out for everyone. Yay! He's coming home, probably before the end of October. Mom and dad will want to go and greet him in Georgia. There are a lot of things going on in that month, though. Mom is already kind of worried about it. We have our Making Strides for Cancer walk, my chemo round on the 22nd, as well as few other things that make the timing a bit complicated. I know God will work the timing out, but extra prayer never hurts!

Another one down?

Now Eric is feeling like he's getting sick. Great. Don't these guys understand that I can't fight illness like I usually do? Olivier is functioning, but has a cough and sore throat. Eric is experiencing chills and a slight fever. I'm sending him to take his temperature right now.

I'm going to take the kids to FroYo after I pick Isabelle up from school. It's something we do often of Fridays to celebrate the end of the school week. It has been a busy one for them. Not a lot of homework yet, but just getting back into the routine of getting up and out the door has been tiring for them. We need to work on doing it better next week. Olivier needs to be out the door an hour earlier than last year, and he's not doing very well at it yet. He'll get there.

Nothing to report on the health side. I'm just waiting for the hair loss to start. I do have some tenderness on the top of my head. I wonder if that is a sign? Whatever. Today felt almost like a "normal" day. I went shopping with Jean-Marc (Target & Trader Joe's). I did my Jillian workout after lunch (Banish Fat/Boost Metabolism). Now I'm off to Fridays at FroYo. Cancer, Schmanser!

My main prayer request is for my family's health. No one can get sick!! If they do, pray that I am able to avoid catching it as well.

God bless you all!

Moving on....

Six weeks post-op. I finally feel like I am no longer handicapped by my surgery. It is now behind me. The sunburn sensation is gone. I am numb across my chest and upper arm, but that is probably a permanent thing. A thing that I was expecting. I don't have any pain in my incisions, either. It feels good to mentally close that chapter in my treatment.

What helped me make this mental switch? It probably had a lot to do with my physical therapy appointment this week where I was given the green light on picking up my toddler. It was neat last night to be able to put Jean-Marc into bed on my own last night. He is so cute. I read him "Goodnight Moon" and he says "nigh-night" to everything. That and "husssshhh." My little dude.

Per the physical therapist's instruction, I am massaging my scars while I put the vitamin E oil. Before, I would only touch them gingerly. It was kind of creepy. It still is kind of creepy, but I am able to move the tissue around more and feel like I'm doing something that is helping. Last night, the massage made a lot of the leftover surgical glue and scabs come off. Progress!

Yesterday morning it opted to work out at home with a Jillian DVD, "Burn Fat, Boost Metabolism." Coming out of my physical therapy appointment, I wanted to try a little upper body. This DVD is perfect, since it is mainly a cardio workout, but she does have a core circuit where you are in a plank (pushup) position. I did the whole thing, and just modified a few of the moves. For instance, I would do things on my knees, instead of a full pushup position. If I can do that a few more times, then I'll "graduate" myself to a full plank. It felt great to be "back." We'll see if I am sore in a bad way. Right now, it feels pretty good to have done it.

I am able to do more around the house as well. This morning, I was able to change the sheets on the kids' beds. Even the top bunk, which is a real pain. But I did it. Who knew I would be happy to do housework? I do have a post-op instruction from the surgeon that says I cannot do repetitive arm motions, including vacuuming and window washing, for 6 months. Hmm. I don't think I'm going to push that one! Wouldn't want to be injured, you know. I do expect to have an energy drain as I progress through my chemotherapy. So while I have the energy to do things around the house, I am enjoying it.

Ah chemo. Round two is in 8 days. The day prior, I go in for a visit with Dr. P, my oncologist, and get some lab work done to check my blood counts.

Having the kids in school has been a great time-sucker for me. Just picking up the kids at 2 different schools takes me from about 1:30 p.m. - 3:30 p.m. We are also having our backyard re-done, and that is also helping me change focus a bit. Today, we had concrete poured. As I type this, the guys are on their hands and knees out there, raking it and smoothing it. It's going to be great. Did I mention that after I beat cancer's bootie I am going to have a huge party? Everyone is invited. You'll see the nice backyard then.

I seem to be fighting a cold that Olivier brought home. I've had this sore throat for a few days now. It hasn't progressed to any other symptoms. I asked my son this morning how his cold started, and he confirmed that it was a sore throat. I'm gargling with warm salt water a few times a day. I just pray that it doesn't progress.

Other than that, physically I feel good. The metallic taste has gone from my mouth. My energy is normal. I still have hair. I wonder for how much longer? It is really a strange thing to wait for your hair to fall out. I run my hands through my hair and fully expect to have a clump in my hands. So far, though, it is sticking in my head. Wouldn't it be something if I was one of the ones that didn't experience hair loss? After all this preparation? I need to just stop thinking about it.

My prayer requests for today:

• That this sore throat go away. That it not progress into a full blown cold.
• That my kids stay healthy. Their health is my health. Not that I don't want them healthy anyway. I used to have this mommy immunity that would make it difficult for me to catch the cooties they came down with. Not anymore!
• That I be able to wait without being anxious. In this case, I'm not anxious in a scared kind of way. Just impatient. I need more patience, I guess.

Great lyrics

Remember when I was going to get my hair cut short (in anticipation of losing it altogether), and I mentioned listening to KLOVE and hearing a song that brought me to tears? They were good tears. Tears that reminded me that God was with me, that He had not abandoned me.

I heard it again yesterday on my way to physical therapy. I found the lyrics on the KLOVE website and thought I would share. It's my anthem right now.

Before the Morning, by Josh Wilson

Do you wonder why you have to

Feel the things that hurt you

If there's a God who loves you

Where is He now

Maybe there are things you can't see

And all those things are happening

To bring a better ending

Someday somehow you'll see

Would you dare to believe

that you still have a reason to sing

Cause the pain that you've been feeling

It can't compare to the joy that's coming

So hold on you gotta wait for the light

Press on and just fight the good fight

Cause the pain that you've been feeling

It's just the dark before the morning

My friend you know how this all ends

And You know where you're going

You just don't know how you'll get there

So say a prayer

And hold on cause there's good for those who love God

But life is not a snapshot

It might take a little time but you'll see the bigger picture

Would you dare to believe

that you still have a reason to sing

Cause the pain that you've been feeling

It can't compare to the joy that's coming

So hold on you gotta wait for the light

Press on and just fight the good fight

Cause the pain that you've been feeling

It's just the dark before the morning