About this blog

I was diagnosed with breast cancer on June 11, 2010. As a result of my treatment, I have lymphedema in my left arm. I draw my strength from the Lord, as well as my family's Scots-Irish heritage. Our Graham's were a tough and scrappy bunch of fighters on the Scottish/English border. They came to America and continued to fight when necessary: in the American Revolution; the Civil War; and my brother is a Captain in the U.S. Army. My ancestors settled this country against all odds. My great-grandmothers on both sides of the family were pioneer women who settled the West. Along with that heritage, and the full armor of God, I am walking the walk and fighting the good fight.

Thursday, January 24, 2013

What ifs

I've been training for my first half marathon of 2013, which is coming up this Sunday in Carlsbad. I use a training app from Runner's World called "Smart coach" which tells me which days to run, how far, and how fast.

Getting back into running after training and doing the 3 Day last November hasn't been easy. I felt like I lost my "base" of running fitness. The first few weeks were brutal, but I stuck it out. After a month (late December), I started to feel pretty good again. I was no where near as fast as I was last Spring, but at least a run didn't feel like torture!  For the past month, I've been doing about 30 miles per week, with my longest run being 11+ miles. By all measures, I am ready for 13.1 miles on Sunday. I know I won't set a personal record (PR), but I should be able to at least be competitive with my times from last year. If I could maintain a 10 minute mile, I would be thrilled, but I think 10:30 is more realistic.

But this week I feel like lead!  The training app had me run 4 miles Tuesday and Wednesday, then a tempo run of 5 miles today. Tuesday's run was great. While I wasn't really trying to run fast, I did. (Which made up for a bad run on Sunday that I have legitimate excuses for: it was hotter than normal; I had eaten lunch just an hour before; and it was a hilly route). But yesterday's run was tough. Then today at the gym, I barely hung on for the 3 miles at a tempo pace.  When I finished, I was beet red and annoyed at myself. What the heck?  The trainer is telling me to run an easy 4 tomorrow and rest on Saturday. I think I'm going to rest tomorrow instead, although it will be hard not to run because I have a new Garmin to try out.

I've been getting plenty of sleep and eating very well this week. Actually, better than most weeks. I've been drinking more water. I would have expected to be feeling on top of the world instead of dragging myself through workouts. I should be wanting to run MORE because I feel so strong, not less. What's up with that?  I was hoping to end this race training feeling like I could kick some serious bootie.

The point of this post isn't the nitty gritty of my training, though.

It's the mental skirmish that has started because of it.  You see, I just can't have a bad day or two.  My mind instantly goes to....am I having bad workouts because I'm sick? Could I be fighting one of the myriad of viruses that is going around right now?  Olivier did comment about feeling a little "off" this morning. Or even worse....has cancer has come back?  Is my body using its energy to fight evil mutating cells??  I have enough energy to get through my day otherwise.  But what if....what if....what if....

I hate the what ifs.

1 comment:

  1. You haven't posted in awhile and with the last posting, there was some concern. I hope you are well, just busy! I miss you. I keep checking, hoping to hear you are OK.