Fluffies

Yesterday, mom and I went to the gym. Yeah! Another 'normal' activity to do for the first time. I was even able to get into one of my pullover workout shirts without too much pain. We rode the recumbent stationary bikes for 45 minutes. I even wore my heart rate monitor to make sure I got into my training zone. It felt indescribably good to sweat. I've always found the bike hard because you can't get away from the work on the legs. They take the full brunt of the work. Right now, they are the only part of me that really can, so its a good form of cardio for me. Even the upright bike is a no-no because of the tendency to lean on the handlebars. After the cardio, I did my upper body stretches. There were no mats in the stretching area, so I went into the room where they teach the classes and grabbed mats and took them to the other area. It was a good thing no one stopped me. I was all ready drop the cancer/mastectomy bomb on them! Look here, I had a double mastectomy 11 days ago and stretching is one of the only things in this gym I can do right now! All geared up for confrontation and there was none. Funny.

After my shower, I felt pretty good. Doing those once normal things without help is such a mood booster. We had plans later in the afternoon to take the kids to see the movie, "Cats and Dogs." So what was I going to wear?

So far, I've just worn the post-surgical camisoles and gone "flat." The camisoles I wear now in place of a bra have little pockets to insert what Judy the nurse at Kaiser called "fluffs." They are little pillows filled with what looks like lambs wool. (Takes me back to the days as a kid taking ballet lessons and stuffing lambs wool into the end of my toe shoes). I thought I'd give them a try and see how they looked. I took a big wad out of each one to begin with-they were just too poofy. I crammed them in the slot and put the camisole on. Then I put a shirt on over it.

Maybe its something I will have to get used to. It felt like I had two pillows strapped to my chest. It was just plain strange. There was no sensation in them. Why would there be? They are pillows! I felt silly all day. I don't think anyone noticed until I mentioned it. But I felt like everyone in the house zeroed in on it as soon as I came downstairs. I showed Eric and he seemed to think it was good. I felt like a dork. It also made me feel fat. I've been working a year to take OFF the padding, not put it back on.

It kind of ties into my 'elephant in the room' post. Everyone knows that I've lost my breasts. To wear little fake ones seems like I'm trying to pretend that I didn't. That I'm desperate to regain what I've lost. But I'm not. I don't mind being flat right now. I'm fighting locally advanced breast cancer-I've got bigger fish to fry than worrying about being flat. I don't want to sound judgmental of other breast cancer warrior who feel differently. This is just me-I totally understand that other women in my situation want to have some form of breasts. Right now, I'm not even interested in thinking about reconstruction. I've got chemo and most likely radiation to tackle. I don't want to consider another surgery and more pain.

This all might change. Maybe after I'm not in post-operative pain I'll want to have that space in my clothes filled up again. Maybe when I have the real prostheses instead of little lambs wool pillows it won't feel so weird.

I'm leaving the fluffies in the closet today.

One week to go...

Just one more week to go. I can't wait. But then again, I'm dreading it too.

It is hard to describe how it feels to hate part of your body. To be disgusted by it. Betrayed by it. It's not like having a bad hair day. Or when I was heavier and "hated" being overweight. That was more of an internal thing. The weight was just a reflection of other things going on, bad choices I made, a negative spiral that had happened for decades. It was about a year ago when something "clicked" in my head and made me decide to turn it around. I did everything right by my body and the weight came off. Then my breast turned on me. Anyone who has debated me knows that I like to have the last word. And I will with this too. In a week, I'll have the final word and the breast will BE GONE. The right one is a casualty of war. Sorry, but collateral damage happens.

The ironic thing is that I was actually liking my body (breasts included) for the first time. I was proud of what it had done in the past, sure. Growing 3 babies. Breastfeeding each one for a year. Having natural births at home after a cesarean with Olivier (HBAC). That was an awesome achievement for my body. My breasts were good at making milk, too. Sometimes, the poor baby would choke at all of the milk flowing! I would have to double up on pads in my bra so I wouldn't leak. They served their purpose quite well. But they were still big, floppy and made me uncomfortable. So when I went from a D cup to a B it was actually nice. Some people might complain about losing weight in their bustline. Not me. It was more proportioned with my height. I liked it.

But then the cancer was found. Now I detest them and want them gone.

In a way, I can design my new breasts. Even with prosthetics, I can be whatever size I want to be. You can bet I won't go over a B. I think it may be strange wearing prosthetics after the mastectomy. They say it is important for your shoulders and overall balance to wear them. Clothes will fit like they should. But everyone knows that my breasts will have been cut off. Will everyone be staring at my chest? It's kind of funny to write this on the blog, because now you're all on notice. But these are the thoughts I've been having. Then I thought....what about women who have had boob jobs? Everyone knows about that...are they worried that people are staring at their chests? Oh, the places the mind goes while waiting for surgery!

Another aspect of this is one I've alluded to before, and that is having my mind always elsewhere. I can't say I really "enjoy" anything right now, although some things come close. Yesterday came close. Isabelle and I were at a swimming party for her girl scout troop. Her leader just came out of breast cancer treatment several months ago. She has been a wonderful friend and confidante in all of this, because she knows exactly what I'm going through. I thought I was putting on a pretty good show yesterday. But at one point she called me out, in a loving way, about me not being "present." Busted! It was okay. In fact, it is kind of nice to have someone around who understands and gets it. It was nice to chat with some of my friends and talk about things, even the cancer. It's not something that I want to hide. I'm glad it wasn't the big elephant in the room (or poolside) yesterday.

My mom has mentioned that since my diagnosis, even her breasts have hurt. Another friend found an odd bump on the side of her chest that has her concerned. If my journey does anything, I hope it sends the message to each and every woman, regardless of her age, to be aware of any changes in her breasts. Go for screenings. Even if they say you are too young. Actually DO the monthly self-exams. There are other screening techniques besides mammograms, too. My midwife mentioned while I was pregnant with Jean-Marc some kind of thermal imaging scan. She said she periodically had some guy come to her office and screen women who were interested. You may have to pay for it out of pocket, but catching a cancer at stage 0 is worth a few bucks, in my opinion. Time is your enemy, and it is deadly.

So here I am, marking time. Only a week left. There are are things for me to do: I need to go in for a chest X-ray; I'm meeting my best friend at Glen Ivy on Saturday for a spa day; I still need to do my advanced health care directive; church on Sunday; I want to wash and change the sheets on my bed before surgery; tidy up a bit for my mother in law's arrival on the 20th; welcome Olivier home and hear about his camp adventures; go visit my new nephew and hear my sister and law tell me her epic birth story; make sure our finances are set and bills are paid; and of course..BLOG!

My prayer requests today:

• That the cancer stops in its tracks and does not go beyond where we know it is. That those pesky cells just freeze for the next 7 days. Or even disappear. I know God can do that if it is in His will.
• That I be able to rest. I actually was able to sleep over 7 hours last night. What a blessing! But I do think I need continued prayer for it. Isn't it amazing how dependent we are on God...even for our rest?
• That I be able to focus on our finances and get all the bills paid before surgery. I don't want to miss any payments that would cause problems. (Especially insurance premiums!)
• That my kids have peace of mind. I told Isabelle the other day that if she had any questions or fears, she could ask me. Her question was...."Mom, are you going to die?" So even though they may put on a brave face and not seem to get it, they are scared. Pray that they be able to share these fears with us and not keep them bottled up.