Creepy nails

My fingernails are getting progressively worse.  I noticed this morning doing the breakfast dishes that my pinky and ring finger on my left hand were starting to turn reddish-brown.  It almost looks like the fingers were smashed in a door.  You can't tell from the picture, but all fingernails have horizontal lines on them.

This is a known side effect of Taxotere.  Thank God that I only have one round left.

The sensitivity in my fingertips continues as well.  I'm finding it difficult to do small motor skill tasks.  Zippers, of all things, are giving me trouble.  I feel like such a dunce to be having trouble zipping up my toddler's jackets!  Even my own give me trouble.

I did feel more energetic this morning at the gym than I did a few days ago.  I did 35 minutes on an elliptical and then opted for the stationary bike for the last 30 minutes.  The last bit wasn't as strenuous as usual, but I did do intervals which is good for the metabolism. I got to my calorie burn goal, so that was good.  (I like to burn at least 400 calories and today I got to about 465).

No news on my eyes, sadly.  They still burn and water.  I'm wearing my glasses and am looking forward to seeing the optometrist in a few weeks, no pun intended.

Overall, I'm feeling good all things considered.  I'm looking forward to this Friday and my spirits are good. Thank you all for your continued prayers and support.

Back in the routine, and its a good thing

I'm feeling better today.  My eyes still are irritating me, but at least this morning they weren't crusted shut.  I'm wearing my glasses and leaving the contacts in the drawer.  I didn't attempt an intense workout today.  I just did 30 minutes of yoga and then did a power walk with friends. I'm going to the gym tomorrow so we'll see how my energy levels are then.

Mentally, I'm better too.  Perhaps its because the kids went back to school today and we are all back in a routine.  I'm such a creature of habit.  There is comfort in routine, knowing what is coming up and what you need to do next.

Speaking of next, I also got ready for the next round of chemo on Friday.  I got my lab appointment for Thursday and put the order in for the refill (my last one) for Cipro.  I also called to get an appointment for an eye exam.  The closest one they could get me in for was December 21.  That is okay.  I'll be recovered from chemo more or less.  So anything going on with my eyes won't be subjected to more chemo.  The good thing is that I won't have a copay since I've met the deductible this year.  And then some.

So I'm all ready for the last round of chemo.  I just need to eat healthy to get my body full of good nutrients to fight this cancer from the inside out.  I need to exercise to keep myself strong, and keep my wits about me.  I am addicted to endorphins, I think.

A friend confided in me today that she is going in for a biopsy on Wednesday to check for ovarian cancer. The uncertainty is scary and I know where she is coming from.  I'm so sick and tired of CANCER.  I long for the day when there is no more sickness and no more tears.

Prayer requests:

• For my friend going in for tests on Wednesday.  Pray that the biopsy comes back negative. In the meantime, that she is able to have some peace and not be filled with anxiety. 
• More prayers for my eyes.  They constantly water and the dried salt on my face is irritating to my skin. 

Catching up to me?

I think this chemo thing is starting to catch up to me.  The good news is that with only one treatment left, I think I can outrun it in the long haul.  Thank God that I didn't feel this way a couple months ago.

I'm more tired physically.  In past rounds, at this point in time I feel normal.  I'm kicking butt at the gym.  However, yesterday at the gym, I noticed that it was much harder to do lower levels on the Stair master and elliptical than I usually do.  I use a heart rate monitor, so I know if I'm at a range where I am exerting a good bit or not.  I got up to 85% of my heart rate 2 levels lower than before, even during chemo.   This morning, I did a 30 minute cardio workout, (Cindy Whitmarsh's "Less is More" cardio),  off of Exercise TV and it was a challenge.  I did it and then some, but it was a challenge.

There are other physical reminders too.  My nails have these lines on them that don't go away. Most annoying are my eyes.  They are constantly watering.  I may have caught an infection in my eyes.  I'm not sure.  They were really red yesterday and they burn.  I also feel spasms in my eyes and eyelids. The tears then dry and leave salty deposits around my eyes.  In the morning, my eyes are crusted shut.  Gross, isn't it?  I don't know if all of these are side effects of chemo or something else going on.   I was hoping to put off an eye exam until after all of my treatment, but I may see if I can get into an exam in December.  I've gained a couple pounds too, which doesn't make me very happy.  Of course with Thanksgiving, many people do.  But in reality, it has been creeping up on me a little by little for the past couple months.

Mentally, I just don't "feel" like myself completely.  I'm in a kind of constant "zoning" state.  Things just feel weird all the time.  I'm a bit tired all the time.  I spent some time this afternoon just vegging out in front of the television watching a great chick flick-"Letters to Juliet."  That felt great, and I think I'll be doing more of that in the coming few weeks.

When I feel off like this, I try to at least look normal on the outside. I'm an "undercover" cancer patient.  With my eyes, makeup is not my friend. Nevertheless, I gave it a shot this morning for church.  I'm missing a lot of my eyebrows, but I can fill those in with makeup.  I noticed my eyelashes are much thinner as well.  I was happy to come home and take the eye makeup off.  I also wore the wig.  That helps, especially when I catch a glimpse of my own reflection. Especially since I have to wear my glasses.  The downside is that the wig can give me a headache and itches.  At home, it suffers the same fate as the eye makeup...it's OFF!

I'm not complaining here, I'm really not.  I like to think of this post as more of one documenting what I'm feeling like physically and mentally.  I know I am blessed to have made it this far as well as I have.  Only one more round to go.  I plan on getting exercise as best I can this week.  It's one of my mental "things" that I want to keep on doing to show cancer that its not going to get me.  Like I said, it may be gaining on me, trying to catch up.  But I'm going to beat it.

I'm told that these physical issues go away after chemotherapy.  I sure hope so.  It's hard to imagine ever feeling normal again.  I follow another blog about fitness for cancer survivors, written by a cancer survivor and physical trainer.  She mentioned in one of her posts about being so fatigued during chemo that she could barely drag herself to the mail box on some days. Now she runs half marathons and climbs mountains.   My hair will grow back.  (Unless the tamoxifen causes it to be too thin, but that is something for another post.)  My nails will go back to normal.  My eyes will get better.  I will be done with chemotherapy.

It won't be a minute too soon.

Prayer Requests:

• That my eyes heal.  I don't mind the watering so much.  But the spasms and burning are a pain.  I'm going to call Kaiser tomorrow to see if I can get into see an eye doctor. Pray that I can get in at a good time.  I don't know if it would be best to wait until after chemo or get in as soon as I can.  Pray that God will give me the appointment that works best with my other medical issues. 
• That my energy levels stay up.  The kids go back to school tomorrow, so I'm back to the grind as well. 
• That this last round of chemo be effective and kill off any remaining cancer cells in my body. 
• That my spirits stay positive.  It is so easy to get depressed when you have physical pain and medical issues. It is toxic and I don't want to be depressed and negative.  For me, its a downward spiral and I'd soon be dwelling on cancer, recurrence and nasty stuff.  I just don't want to "go there."   Pray that I don't forget to "look up" to my Savior and remember that HE is bigger than all of this.  That I be reminded to seek shelter under His wings, and not lean on my own understanding. 

Bring on the holiday!

The bigger boys playing XBox

The smaller boys playing Legos

Thanksgiving was great yesterday.  Both of my brothers were there, as well as my brother Nathan's kids.  My kids had a great time playing with cousins. The food was great and we had a good time together.  We are all a bit tired today.  The kids didn't get to bed until after 10 p.m.  Needless to say, Jean-Marc is taking a very good nap today!

Now I'm ready for Christmas!!

My last round of chemo is one week from today-December 3rd.  I am so ready to be done with this stage of treatment.  I'm tired of watery eyes.  I'm tired of waiting for the next round of chemo.  I'm tired of all the drugs.  I'm tired of not having hair.  I'm tired of having a cold neck. I'm tired of having to put things off until "after."  I'm just ready to be done.

To focus on the positive I took down my fall decorations and brought out the Christmas decorations.  Isabelle and I had fun decking the halls this afternoon.  This is only our second Christmas in this house.  Last year we had just moved the month before.  I decorated, but it was in a hurry because we still were unpacking our lives. We didn't even attempt to put lights up outside.

Nathan entertains with Chuck Norris jokes

This year, I want to do Christmas up big.  There is so much to celebrate, especially the end of chemotherapy.  I hope I never have to do it again. (There I go, worrying about "what if" it comes back.)  I wanted to get a good jump on the decorating to have a lot of it done before chemo next week. As it is, the only time we will be able to get our tree will be next Saturday, which will be Day 2 in that final cycle.  Eric leaves for a business trip to France on the 10th, so next weekend is our only weekend to do it before the holiday. I'm usually energetic enough on Day 2, so it should be okay.  It's Day 3 that I start to fade, an Day 4 that I crash.  We'll have the tree, it just may not be decorated for awhile!

Dad and Eric

It was fun taking out the decorations that we have accumulated over the past 14 years as a family.  Everything had "its" spot at our old house and decorating was a no brainer.  This year, it took some thinking and creativity about where to put things.  I also want to buy some new decorations too.  It helped to get all the "old" stuff out and see where my decorative "holes" are.  Then I'll hit Michael's with a vengeance!

The kids and I also want to put lights up outside.  I'm not sure when we'll be able to do that.  Eric is game, its just a matter of if we can get him to do it before he leaves on the 10th.  It WILL work out, and we will enjoy being able to contribute to the neighborhood's festive look.

Thanksgiving

I don't know how to sleep in.  With kids, we have evolved a schedule where we are usually up around 6 a.m., even on weekends. Since the time change a few weeks ago, I've been waking up some time around 5:30 a.m. I was so tired last night that I figured maybe I'd "sleep in" until 6:30 today.  Nope.  I was awake at my usual time.

As I lay there, I started to think about Thanksgiving and the things that I am thankful for.  I listed many of them in a post last week.

Of course, I am thankful to the things in my life that everyone else is: family; friends; the abundance of food; the creature comforts (a house, clothes, etc).  But there is more to it than that.  I am thankful for those things...but even more than those things, I am thankful for The One who has given them to me....God.  I am thankful FOR God, and I am thankful TO God.

Words are inadequate as I consider all of the aspects of God and how they directly impact me and the feelings that it gives me. I'm going to give it a try.

First of all, He created me. He knew me before I was born.  He had a plan for my life, even this cancer is part of that plan.  He holds me in the palm of His hand and guides me through this life.  When things get too scary, and they have at times during the past 5 months, I can turn to Him for comfort.  He is my shelter, my strong tower, my ever present help in times of trouble.  It is palpable.  I felt it on the biopsy table.  I felt it on the operating table.

He created the world and the things in it.  Every beautiful place and thing that brings me joy.  The beach, the mighty ocean. The majestic mountains with the smell of pine.  The stars in the sky, the sun and the moon.  The animals with all of their interdependent systems with other animals and the environment, God designed.  It is awesome when you think about it. He gave us music. Who doesn't enjoy music?

I am thankful for His Word.  The Bible is so much more than a book. It is kind of like an onion in that you can read it over and over and see new things in it each time as you dig a little deeper. It never gets old. It feeds my soul.  It answers all of my questions, even when the answer is "My ways are higher than your ways, My thoughts are higher than your thoughts."  It is a hand book for life.  Got questions about parenting? Marriage? Friendship? The nature of God? It's all in the bible.  I'm thankful that I can depend on the promises in the Word, especially in the midst of the cancer storm.  It brings me comfort to know that He promises to work out all things for the good.  Even me having cancer.

I am thankful for the Holy Spirit.  He helps me to understand and relate to God in a deeper way.  This may sound strange if you are not born again or if you do not have a relationship with the Lord.  When you are saved you can ask the Lord for His Holy Spirit and He gives it to you.  Literally. The Spirit indwells in you.  For me, it has helped me to understand Scripture in a deeper way.  Those times when I have "felt" God, it has been the Spirit.  When I was lying there with a needle plunged deep into my armpit, it was the Holy Spirit that whispered to me, "I know the thoughts I have toward you.  Thoughts of good and not for evil.  Thoughts to give you a future and a hope."   The Holy Spirit also intercedes for me when I don't know what to pray-and there have been plenty of those times in the past 5 months as well.

I am thankful for Jesus. Without Him, I wouldn't be able to have this relationship with God.  Because I'm a sinner.  Even on my best day, its not good enough for a Holy God.  So He sent His son, Jesus, to take the punishment for my sin.  That was what the cruxifiction was all about. When He died and rose again, it gave all of us the opportunity to have a relationship with God if we choose to.  He is the bridge that brings the sinner (me) to God.  I can stand before God now and God sees me pure and holy.  Two things I am not, but I am because Jesus gives that to me. That is the ultimate thing to be thankful for!  He paid my eternal debt.

What amazes me is that all of these things that I have talked about here, all of these various aspects are all part of the same God.  He is so much bigger than we can even comprehend.  I think sometimes people who refuse to believe certain things, (like God creating the world in 6 days), put God in a "human box."  It just sounds so outrageous to them.  If we were talking about man, even the smartest Nobel prize winning scientist, it is.  But we are talking about God.  It's mind blowing. He is mind blowing.

As I enjoy this Thanksgiving holiday, I am counting my blessings.   I am thinking of all the good things that I am thankful for.  But I am also thinking of the One who has given them to me and thanking HIM for those things.  Every good and perfect gift comes from God.

Happy Thanksgiving!

If you want to consider this further, I highly recommend checking out this link to a special sermon from my pastor on giving thanks.

Radiation consultation. Meet Dr. S!

I had my consultation with a radiation oncologist today. My medical team has just added a new member, Dr. S.

Since it was my first time, I went a little early in case they needed time to process me as a new patient. They had sent me a packet of questionnaires about my medical history which I had filled out last night. I ended up having to wait for about 15 minutes, but it was okay. I was able to read a recent "People" magazine. I must be getting old, because I didn't recognize many of the "famous" people inside.

I was called back by a nurse who led me into an exam room. She was busy on the computer and told me to get into an exam robe. It wasn't a big deal, but at Kaiser, they leave the room while you do that. Her back was turned to me, and I'm not really shy anymore about things. Heck, I've even considered posting pictures of my scars on the blog!

She told me I got "Dr. S" and that I was lucky. I guess she likes him. She mentioned that he does a lot of the "nasty" cancers of the head and neck. I had mixed feelings about this praise. First off, does he know what he's doing when it comes to breast cancer? In a morbid kind of way, it helped to hear that I didn't have a "nasty" cancer. I mean, it sucks, thats for sure. But at least it could be worse.

Dr. S came in and I was a bit surprised to see a young guy. He's a small and thin guy of Indian descent, which I expected when I heard his name. Not that it matters. As long as he knows what he's doing. I was impressed when he started talking because it was clear that he had reviewed my case. Unlike Dr. P, he looked me right in the eyes as he talked. He even knew things about the pathology of my lymph nodes that I was unaware of. All of it made me a good candidate for radiation in his opinion. He wants to design a treatment plan that will radiate my chest, left armpit area, and left clavicle (where there are additional lymph nodes).

The bottom line is that doing radiation now will decrease the risk of the cancer recurring. When it recurs a second time, it usually is harder to treat. The theory is to go in now with all the guns blazing and do all we can so it does not come back. My treatment should take 6 1/2 weeks and begin in January 2011.

In my case, the biggest risk factor for recurrence is my age. I have 40-50 years on average to live, and the longer you live, the more chances for cancer coming as genes divide and mutate.

He spent a long time talking about short term and long term risks of radiation treatment. I should expect my skin to get red and burned. In fact, he wants it to happen so we know we are frying any cancer cells. ("Frying" was not his word, but that was what he meant). He suggested a calendula cream to treat that. Radiation treatment also has a tendency to make people tired. Because of the beams that will be coming at me from two different directions, a portion of my left lung is going to get zapped as well. This could cause some permanent scarring. That could impact my working out a little bit. He has had patients who were athletes and cannot run the times they used to. I'm not an athlete, but I do like to run. "Jog" may be a better word for what I do. They will be able to shield my heart and prevent it from damage from the beams. It also could weaken the ribs on my left side. If I were ever in an accident, those ribs would be more likely to break than those on the right side.

As I knew, my risk for lymphedema will increase. He said before radiation, I had about a 20-25% chance of it. Radiation will increase those risks by 10%. Both he and the nurse saw I was wearing my compression sleeve and were glad I was already being proactive about it. Hopefully wearing the sleeve constantly during the course of radiation will keep the lymphedma from happening. I'm also going to visit my physical therapist a couple weeks into it.

Overall, he was very confident that radiation would benefit me and it made me feel good about the treatment as well.

He did a brief physical exam and asked me if I was going to have reconstructive surgery. I did consult with a plastic surgeon back in July before my mastectomy. He said that if I had to have radiation, expanders and implants wouldn't be an option. At this point, I'm not interested in it. (I've been mulling over a blog post on the subject). I may change my mind in the future once I've got treatment behind me. Dr. S said I didn't have enough body fat to do a TRAM or LAT flap procedure. That is where they "borrow" tissue from your belly or back to re-form a breast. I was happy to hear that I didn't have enough fat to do that. It has nothing to do with reconstruction, but having lived overweight all of my adult life until about a year ago. I couldn't help but smile to hear that my plastic surgery options were limited because I was too skinny! He mentioned a procedure called a "DIEP flap" that they do at Kaiser up in Los Angeles. I may look into that later to see what that is all about. But for now, I'm focused on having that small little light at the end of the tunnel grow brighter.

The next step is a "mapping" appointment that will take about an hour. Its a lot like having an MRI in that you lay down in a tube in the "treatment position." For me, that is with my arms above my head. I'll be doing that 2 weeks after my LAST chemo on December 3rd. Daily radiation will start at the beginning of January.

Prayer requests:

• That the timing for my radiation appointments works out. I need to go every day, Monday through Friday. I'm not sure what time of day will be best for me considering my other obligations to shuttle kids around and take care of Jean-Marc. Luckily, the radiation office is near my mom's house. I have a feeling that I will be needing her to hang out with my little sidekick for a few minutes each day. 
• Healing.  That these last days of chemo be effective. I got a little freaked out today to hear about how the cancer was in my lymph nodes.  Not that it was just there, but the way it was there and in at least one node had kind of broken out of the node itself. I tried to read my pathology report when I got home, but it took me back to June when I was freaked out about the cancer moving to other parts of my body. I just pray that this chemo disrupt any cancer that snuck out of the area.

Sparkles

The cleaning ladies were here today and I am SO happy! Three women spent 5 hours here and it looks amazing. I spent yesterday afternoon cleaning out the pantry. We have had these moths for months and just lived with it. But the problem got progressively worse to the point where it was getting out of hand. Almost like a Hitchcock movie. I pulled everything out, threw out a lot of infested stuff, vacuumed it out and washed every square inch with hot and soapy water. Between that and the cleaning ladies, my house sparkles!!

I finished up my Cipro regimen for this round today. I'm so glad to be done with that. Only one more time. I'm relatively drug free for a week. Just the chemo drugs working their way through my system.

I noticed another side effect this round that I forgot to mention as well. Watery eyes. My eyes are constantly watering. It was especially bad in the day or two right after chemo. It almost looks like I'm crying. Between that and the constant nose drip (no hair in the nose to catch it), I need to have a kleenex handy at all times!

The kids and I joined my mom this morning to pick my brother Jared up from the airport. My other brother and his family to greet him as well. Afterwards we all went to In and Out Burger-Jared's favorite place. Its nice to have Jared home. I was waiting the results of my biopsy when he left for Iraq. Funny how I measure or remember everything in regards to how it relates to my cancer.

I wonder if and when that will ever change.