More than a conqueror

Pinch me, okay?  A little harder, please.  Because I can't believe that I only have one more day of radiation.

I got to see the doctor today (must be Wednesday).  He asked me if I was considering breast reconstruction. If I was, I should wait a year to let my skin heal.  Frankly, at this point, I'm not interested. Maybe I'll change my mind later. He talked about the different types of reconstructive surgery that were out there, and those that Kaiser did. It was music to my ears to hear him say I was a bit limited in my options since I didn't have enough belly fat to do certain types of reconstruction. In my case, he thought they would recommend a LAT Flap, where they take a piece of your latissimus dorsi muscle on your back to form the breast. Yuck. Doesn't sound very appealing to me. But like I said, I may change my mind later.

The Mepilex came from Amazon today, just as promised. I was a little disappointed because its not exactly the same version I have been using. This one is a 4x4 square, but has an adhesive border all around it. It's not quite as thick as the other one, either. But I stuck one on anyway. Hopefully the adhesive won't rip my skin off too bad. The burns are actually looking a little better.  The doctor said that in 6 weeks, my skin will look normal again. We'll see.

I kind of feel like I should do something to mark the day tomorrow. I saw one guy who was a regular at the radiation office bring in bagels for the staff a few weeks ago. I figured that was his way of celebrating the last day. I was right, because I didn't see him again. I overheard the staff talking today in the other room while I was waiting to see the doctor. The doc said, "Who brought that in?" Someone responded with a man's name. He said, "The prostate?"  I gathered from that exchange that a patient with prostate cancer had brought some goodies in for them. I don't feel like bringing the staff gifts, but I do feel like marking the day somehow. Mom and I are planning to go to the gym afterwards. In a way, that makes sense. The day I was diagnosed, I hung up the phone with Judy, the breast cancer nurse coordinator, went upstairs and did a killer Jillian Michael's circuit training workout. I have made a big effort to continue exercising throughout this journey, to keep myself as strong as possible. So ending it with a good workout isn't a bad idea.

We are going to celebrate this weekend. I bought a heritage turkey a month ago from this ranch that I order grass fed meat from, Hearst Ranch. We'll cook it this weekend and have family over to celebrate the end of the major treatment.

The journey isn't over, though. But as my physical therapist said last week, "the healing can begin." It will be nice to know that I won't be getting pumped full of poison, or blasted with radiation. My body can begin to heal from the wounds inflicted upon it and I can get stronger. I was listening to a sermon by pastor Skip Heitzig this morning on my way to radiation. He was making a distinction between being a "survivor" and being one that has more than conquered. In Romans 8:37, Paul said, "In all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us."  Paul was in prison, had been beaten, stoned, shipwrecked, and suffered from chronic physical issues. (His "thorn in the flesh.") Yet he referred to himself not as a survivor, which Skip likened to someone who barely makes it out alive. He referred to himself as one who was more than a conqueror.  The enemy had been utterly defeated through Christ.  I like that!

In the cancer community, I am a "survivor."  I will be happy to call myself that so everyone knows my status. But I prefer to think of myself as MORE THAN A CONQUEROR!  I have been cut, poisoned, and burned. I've suffered, and will carry the scars for a lifetime. But I've come out on the other side.  The enemy has been defeated, and it is through the grace and strength of Christ that it has been accomplished.

"Be strong in the Lord and in the power of His might. Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places.  Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand. Stand therefore, having girded your waist with truth, having put on the breastplate of righteousness, and having shod your feet with the preparation of the gospel of peace; above all, taking the shield of faith with which you will be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked one. And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God; praying always with all prayer and supplication in the Spirit, being watchful to this end with all perseverance and supplication for all the saints...."  Ephesians 6:10-18

Chasing Mepilex

Taking off a Mepilex pad now is really gross because skin comes off with it.

Yesterday (Monday), I asked for another one. It was bound to happen...they kind of cut me off.  I was told I would need to have a doctor write a prescription so I could go buy more. The doctor who was there (not mine) came in and gave me the scrip. I asked him if this was the sort of thing pharmacies generally carried. He said probably not, that I would have to call around. Okay. I still was going to need one because the one I was wearing was getting gross, and I was on my way to the gym. I knew I would sweat all over it, take it off for the shower and then need a new one. I was given one that seemed to be the last of the "freebies."

My dilemma was this: I was going to need new ones by at least Wedneday or Thursday. I figured I could take Tuesday off from working out-that is my bible study day anyway. Fitting a workout around that and my kid shuttling service in the afternoons is hard. But I would want to be back at it on Wednesday and would very likely need a new pad.

I went to Kasier's pharmacy first. If these things were as expensive as I was told, at least it could chip away at my big deductible for 2011. They gave me the number for Kaiser's medical supply department. I called them on my way home and was given yet another number for their contracted supplier for wound dressings. It was getting way too complicated, and I was beginning to have doubts that I would be able to get it in time.

I called Ralph's pharmacy next. A friend of mine is the head honcho over there and said if they ordered it by 8 p.m., they could get it in the next day. Generally that is true. But as we found out, Mepilex is a new item for their distributor and they were out of stock.  The nice lady at the pharmacy suggested I try some medical supply stores.

I spent the next hour or so online trying to find a local store that I could just go to. "Medical supplies" is a very broad category. I kept finding places that would love to sell me a scooter or adult diapers, but not so much on the Mepilex pads. I found a couple online places that carried them, but to get it delivered in 2 days would cost  $26.  One bright spot was that the pads themselves weren't as expensive as I had been led to believe. It was only about $31 for 5 pads. Much better than $25 each! If I had to spend $26 for shipping, I would. But I still wanted to find a better deal.  Unfortunately, time was not on my side.

I kept praying, "God, please provide a way for me to get what I need when I need it."

In a last ditch effort, I googled "Mepilex." Wouldn't you know it?  Amazon.com carried them!  I ordered 2 boxes (10 pads total) and the 2 day shipping was only $10.88!  I'll get them by Wednesday-Amazon has already e-mailed me today that they had shipped!  How is that for a direct answer to prayer? God is really good!

This is how my burns looked yesterday under my arm.  That peel is just going to continue, I think. My impression of it was that it actually looked better to me.  I put a Mepilex on shortly after this picture was taken and haven't taken it off yet to see how its doing today. The texture of all of my radiated skin is different as well. Its like fine sandpaper. I continue to have infrequent shooting pains in the area. Luckily, it only lasts for a few seconds. The skin doesn't like to be stretched very much. I'm having to baby it at the gym.  This morning, I raised my arms above my head at the radiation office too quickly and paid the price with a few seconds of pain. I've got to be careful until this heals.

I have only 2 more days of radiation left. It is strange to think that it is all coming to an end. It is kind of scary, actually. Up until now, I've had a "plan" to fight this cancer. There was some security in knowing there were more things to "do." I guess I still do have ways to fight, but its through lifestyle methods of clean eating, lots of exercise and trying to eliminate toxins from my home.  I do have the tamoxifen as well. I have to trust that the bad cells have been taken care of and not let it drive me crazy. I definitely need prayer that I don't suffer from anxiety about a recurrence. I will go see Dr. P in early April. I'm going to ask him to order a PET Scan so I can have some peace of mind that there is no evidence of disease.

Asked and answered

I asked the radiation oncology nurse this morning about leaving the Mepilex pad off at night and putting Aquafor on my burns.  Her answer was a swift and decisive "NO."  Hmmm.  I'd better not mention that I did exactly that last night! She said that the pad has everything needed for the skin underneath. It's even better than Aquafor. Hopefully I didn't hurt anything too much by doing that last night. I hope the one pad I have lasts the weekend.  Working out every day is kind of taking its toll on the poor thing. At this point, I really appreciate the protection from chafing.

Today was my sixth straight day of radiation. I had to go in last Sunday to make up for last Friday when their machine (which I now know is a linear accelerator) was down.  I'm very glad to have the next two days off to give my skin and body a break from the treatment.  I'm not in too much discomfort. It's probably a good thing that I have nerve damage from the surgery and have a large portion of my chest and underarm area that is numb. Burns hurt like the devil, and with what it looks like, I should be in a lot of pain. At least one would think. The lack of sensation is probably a good thing for me right now.

The red patch is turning a dark purple.

I was reflecting on the toll that cancer treatment takes on the body. It's like using a nuclear bomb to take out a single terrorist cell in a city.  It gets the bad guys and prevents them from recruiting more, but leaves the city and surrounding landscape barren, scarred, burned and weakened for a period of time. I especially feel that way as I examine my ever darkening burns each day. Don't get me wrong. I am grateful for the advances that have been made in treating breast cancer. But it is strange to watch your body go through so many adverse physical changes and all you can do is stand by and watch it happen. Maybe that is another reason why I enjoy exercising. At least I can have some influence over my body when I work out. By the way, I am very sore in the legs from the workout yesterday!

But I digress. Thinking about modern cancer treatment reminds me of scenes from the old original Star Trek series. (Yes, I've been known to enjoy Star Trek in all of its various forms.) Dr. McCoy often talked with disgust about the "primitive" medical methods of the 20th century. How they would cut someone open to heal an organ, and so on.  I wonder what he would say about chemotherapy and radiation?

Burn, baby burn

I've been an ostrich with my head stuck in the sand.  Or a little kid who didn't want to hear something, so she sticks her fingers in her ears, closes her eyes, and says "lalalalalalala!" really loud.  Or maybe just preoccupied with life to really think about the effects of radiation.

Compared to chemo, radiation isn't that bad.  At least not yet. Chemo made me feel like a different person sometimes. It really messed with my hormones and emotions. It fogged my brain.  I couldn't articulate my thoughts and forgot details. It changed my taste buds. It changed my outward appearance in several ways.  Luckily, those effects were temporary and are going away. I feel like myself again. My hair is starting to grow back. My nails still look bad, but I can cover that up with some polish.  Except for the toenails that fall off!  I'll have to wait for them to grow back before I can have normal looking feet again.

So after all of that chemo-drama, I didn't really think a lot about radiation. They said it would make me tired. Okay, maybe.  Chemo gave me some tired days too. So far, I haven't had fatigue, thank you Jesus.  They said my skin would get red, so I should put on creams several times a day.  Starting on day one, I did just that.  I've also been using pure aloe and drinking aloe juice. The redness has come, and continues to grow, both in size and intensity.  And I still have 10 more treatments left.  So it's going to get worse.

A fellow cancer-blogger, Charmine, posted a photo of her radiation burns at their worst for me and gave me some tips on her blog. (Thanks, Charmine!) Yikes. I hadn't thought of blistering, peeling, and oozing burns. But that may happen, especially considering the state I am in now with 10 more treatments to go.

This is what it looks like today, after 22 treatments. The dark red patch under the arm is where I'm putting the pad on that the nurse gave me.  (You also get to see a little bit of my mastectomy scars...lovely, eh?)

I've learned a bit more about "the pad" as well.  It's called Mepilex. It apparently is just a dressing that will soak up ooze from a wound. I asked the nurse about getting more today. She has to order it, but promised not to leave me hanging if I needed it. They have more "samples" in the office.  That's good. Now my question is about moisturizing the area. If the Mepliex is just a dressing, the area isn't getting moisture. She told me to keep it on 24/7 except when showering.  But then the area isn't getting any soothing relief from anywhere. I plan on asking her about this tomorrow. I'm wondering if it would make sense to Aquafor the area up at night and let it soak in, then put the Mepilex on in the morning and for the rest of the day. At this point, there is no broken skin or blisters.  It feels good to have the pad on--it cushions the area and prevents chafing from my upper arm.

I don't want this to slow me down! I don't want to give into cancer. I went to the gym after treatment today and did an hour on the treadmill, alternating between running at a 10 minute mile pace and walking a 15 minute mile pace on an incline. Being paranoid about the chafing, and a little worried that too much sweat would make the pad fall off, I tried to do some of it with my left hand on my hip. It was easy to do while walking, but a little awkward on the running parts. I finished the workout with Jillian's "lean and mean" leg circuit workout. Man, I'm going to be sore. It took me about 20 minutes and consisted of 475 squats/lunges. She said to do the circuit 5 times, and I did. I didn't plan on doing all 5. But once I did 3, I figured I was more than halfway there. I burned 200 calories on that leg workout alone! (A total of 662 for the whole session!)  I may not be able to do upper body and my burn may slow down my running.  In that case, I'll do what I can do! I may not be able to walk tomorrow, though!

Praise report! Another bright spot came today at my physical therapy appointment. My swelling is definitely under control. My upper arm is a whole centimeter smaller than it was on December 22. All of my measurements were either smaller or the same as before. The bandaging is definitely working. I am so thankful that the lymphedema isn't acting up while I am coming to terms with radiation burns!

My prayer requests:

• That my skin not burn any more than it has. If it does, that it be manageable. That I be able to cope with the physical effects of radiation and still live my life. This too, shall pass. 
• That my lymphedema continue to be under control. 
• My friend from church is having her hysterectomy today for uterine cancer. Please pray that the surgery be a success and that the cancer isn't as bad as they initially thought. Pray for her recovery from surgery and strength for the road ahead.