Isabelle was in the San Marcos Holiday Parade today with her girl scout troop. For the first time, I wasn't able to be there. Not even to stand on the streets and watch her go by. I spent the afternoon in bed trying to rest, but knowing that I was letting her down. So I laid there, zoning out. Wishing I had the energy to get out there, but knowing I didn't. All in all, a pretty crappy way to spend the afternoon.
When she came home, she seemed okay at first. I asked her to tell me all about it, and she did have a good time. I apologized for not being able to be there. All the other girls had at least one parent there. She was the last one to be picked up. She did cry a little bit.Which made me cry a lot. We just sat there on the couch. Hugging and crying. It was kind of hard, because at the same time, Jean-Marc was trying to get a piece of me too, and was climbing on lap, edging her out.
I hate not being able to be out there supporting my kids like I used to be. I know that it is temporary, but that doesn't make it any easier today. I know that as she grows older, she will come to understand that my absence today was not by choice.
But that doesn't make it any easier today.
Let me just say this. You are not a "Slacker Mom". A slacker mom is fully capable of being there and chooses not to be. In your case, the spirit was willing but the flesh was weak. Chemo is intense and you need to get enough rest in response to it so you will rebound quicker. The kids are used to you doing it all, always being a part of things they are involved in. These are extraordinary times in your life, as well as theirs. Isabelle knows that you love her. That is the important thing, and she loves you, too. She would feel terrible if you went there at all costs to yourself medically. Hang in there. Just a couple of more days until you are feeling more like yourself. CHEMO IS OVER!!
ReplyDelete"Those who wait upon the Lord, will renew their strength. They will rise up with wings as eagles.they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not faint. Teach me, Lord, to wait."
Love you.
MOM
I agree with your mom. You most certainly are NOT a slacker mom.
ReplyDeleteYou've kept up amazingly with your kids' activities through all of this, but there are going to be times when your needs have to come first too. This was just one of those days. And while it's okay to feel sad about missing it (and I totally hear you about that), it's also understandable to have days like this sometimes.
Remember the balance of life. The wheel will turn again. Let yourself have "off" days and keep your sadness over these in perspective.